Last Thursday: August 2010

The coolest part of the night was by far when Mayor Sam Adams approached me for some bad advice. Nice guy, even though he asked a pretty lame question. See below...

Should I dye my hair bright red? (from Mayor Sam Adams)

No. Neon pink with green stripes and blue polk-a-dots. (then when he was turned away I told his aides to shave a stripe down his head)

My boyfriend got me really drunk the other night. It pissed me off. What can he do to make it up to me?

The Mayor was just here. I want you to give him a Smirnoff Ice and tell him to take a knee and chug. And if he doesn't do it call him a wuss.

How can I date a nice straight man in Portland?

Club 'em over the head and drag 'em back to your place.

I just had a foursome with my husband and two others, and now I don't know how to keep our sex life interesting.

Keep having foursomes. Or try fivesomes. And use lots of strap-ons. And video-tape the entire thing and make millions online.

I work as a high school guidance counselor and have to go back to school next week. How can I get out of it?

Pretend to injure yourself on the job and get worker's comp. You can even ask a friend to lend you a fake x-ray of someone else's broken bones.

I'm moving to New York next week. How can I find a place to stay?

Find someone who's on vacation and squat in their place.

How can I make my husband love me?

Steal money from other people and buy things for him.

My wife and I are trying to have a baby, but it's been very tumultuous and we aren't really speaking to one another. What do you think we should do?

To hell with babies. All they do is poop and cry. Just adopt an inbred cat. Those things are just as dumb as babies, but they can miraculously clean up their own poop and only cry when they get trapped between the couch and the wall.

My ex-boyfriend wants to get back together with me but I don't. How can I get him off my back?

Sleep with his best friend, duh.

I have two friends who like each other but are both too shy to make a move.

Get them both drunk and throw 'em naked into a closet together. They'll either be horrified by the circumstances when they awake, and never talk to each other again, or they'll make it like bunnies.

My wife and I aren't spending enough time together because we're always so busy taking care of our kids. What can we do?

Ditch the kids with an alcoholic relative. They'll be fine.

My friend is currently seeing four women at the same time. How can I convince him to settle down with just one of them?

That's the stupidest question ever, in the history of ever. Tell him to stay the course.

I start graduate school next week. How can I get good grades without really trying?

Keep your professors drunk.

What's a good way to make money really quick?

Open a Hawaiian food cart. It's easy as hell because no one really knows what Hawaiian food is supposed to be. Just serve Chef Boyardee and add pineapple.

Neither me or my husband are employed, but we want to have another child. What do you think we should do?

Have the kid. It'll be a tax deduction, and then you can apply for unemployment benefits and fool the state by pretending to look for work. Not like there's a budget crisis or anything...

More to come...

Last Thursday July 2010

Recap from this month:

I am 20 years old, I have a crush on a 17 year old girl. What do I do?

Date her older sister until she turns 18. Then go to the younger sister with photos of the older sister making out with another guy. Tell her you're distraught over the fact that the older sister is cheating on you, breaking your heart, etc. This way the now-legal sister will think her older sister is horrible for cheating on you, and will be drawn to your vulnerability.

I am dating two men. Both make money and both are very nice.

Tell both of them that your mother is very sick and needs surgery but you don't have the money to pay. Get the money from them both then move to Fiji. There are plenty of other fish in the sea.

I don't have any money. How can I get some?

Wait for your parents to go on vacation, then sell all of their possessions, their house, and their car(s) on Craigslist. By the time they get home you'll be in Fiji.

Should I try to make a living playing music, or should I go to college?

Go to college but major in Music. That way you'll finish college four years later deep in debt and in a profession where you can't possibly make any decent money.

My housemate is passive aggressive and annoying. How can I get rid of her?

Buy pink duct-tape and cover her entire room in it.

My mom found a bag of pot in my room. What do I do?

Get her stoned. Then she'll start to chip in.

I just turned sixteen and I'm really excited to get my driver's permit.

Driving's for schmucks. What you should really do is just steal the keys to your parents' car during the night and go for a joy ride right into a police car. That way you'll never get your license and always be dependent on friends and family to drive you around. It will be a great way to take advantage of the people who love you.

I have a crush on this guy who already has three kids with two separate women. And maybe a fourth with a third woman. Should I date him?

He obviously doesn't know how to use a condom, so yes.

I have an interview with Nike tomorrow. What should I wear and what questions should I ask them in the interview?

Wear an Adidas track suit with Adidas shoes, and ask them how many children they employ in their overseas factories.

Last Thursday September 2009

The following are selections from Bad Advice I gave at September's Last Thursday event:

"My back hurts."

Turn around, I'm going to kick you in the spine. (AND HE LET ME!)

"I have a co-worker who thinks everyone is against her because she's black, but she never shows up on time and is a bad employee. Should I recommend that she be fired?"

No. Actually start conspiring against her with your co-workers. Leave "secret" notes that badmouth her for her to find around her workspace. Email her fake memos telling her the workday has shifted by five hours. Photoshop her into incriminating photos and make speech bubbles that show her saying slanderous things. Email these photos around the office. When she says "THAT'S NOT ME, I NEVER SAID THAT!" be like, "But I can see you saying it right there!" Drive her crazy as such until she quits or sues.

"My girlfriend is really nice."

Ask her to do elaborate errands for you that take up her entire evening, and while she does that go out partying with other friends and random strangers. Be sure to send her text messages and photos of you having a good time and making out with other people. Stress the fact that you're having so much fun, but still thank her for taking care of that errand for you.

"My roommate pissed on my wall. What should I do to him?"

Puke on his wall. (Then to his roommate standing right there) And then shit on his wall.

"I broke my modem, but I don't want to pay to fix it."

Call up your provider, tell them its not working. When a service repair person shows up, make it look okay, but when he touches it it will break. Then yell at him for breaking your modem, though it will be obvious you were setting him up. It will be reported, they will stop your service, and have a collection agency come after you.

"What should I do tonight?"

Down the street there's a corner store with lots of cheap malt liquor. Drink at least two gallons of the stuff. Your digestive system will be wrecked, and you will do horrible things to people you love but not remember it the next day.

"Should I date the guy I like?"

Yes. Then cheat on him with his best friend.

"Should I move to this city?"

Yes. But move into a house with a bunch of sketchy strangers who always have large amounts of cash, pay rent with money orders, sleep during the day, smoke in the house, borrow all your stuff, leave the bathtub filled with blood, always have visiting "friends" who don't talk very much, and vote.

"What should I invest in?"

Worldcom. Enron. Washington Mutual. Bank of America. Open bank accounts everywhere. Take out at least five credit cards, then give the credit card numbers away on the internet. Don't pay the bills, and shred the cards. When the collection agency calls you, put the phone up to your butt and fart. Mail them fake checks you made out of construction paper.

And the best one of them all....

"I just graduated from Bible college and want to break up with my girlfriend."

Tell her your real girlfriend is having a baby tomorrow, and you don't want her showing up to the hospital. And that all her insecurities are justified. Then hang up. When she calls you back, tell her you're in Rio De Janeiro surrounded by naked Brazilian women, and hang up again. Then stop taking her calls. Then, find a friend or relative with a newborn baby. Take the baby to her house and introduce her to your "child." Tell her you hope there's no hard feelings. (AND THEN HE DID IT! HE CALLED HER RIGHT THERE AND SAID ALL THAT STUFF! WHAT AN ASSHOLE!).

Famous Friends

This was written to Dear Mrs. Web:

My best friend wants to be a singer and she is really good. I 'm afraid that when we grow up, she might become famous and not remember me. What do I do?

For starters, odds are your friend will never become famous. Ever. No matter how good she is at singing now, by the time she goes through puberty, loses her virginity, becomes a manic-depressive slut with an eating disorder, and barely squeaks her way through high school because of some "favors" to the principal, she'll have the self-confidence of a raisin. And raisins have almost no self-confidence. They're all shrivelly. Yuck.

On the off-chance your friend does overcome the constant inner-humiliation that is her life (hey, Britney Spears did it!) and becomes a singing sensation and captures the heart of America (heart, penis, whatever), then you need to make sure that either a) she never, ever forgets you, or b) all the fame and success she achieves comes crumbling down and you're the only one left. Let's discuss both individually.

Option A: There are many methods that can ensure your friend will never forget you. Perhaps get her drunk and tattoo your name backwards on her forehead, so whenever she looks into the mirror she'll see your name. Or maybe an "accidental" injury that leaves a permanent scar. Those are easy, methods though. Then of course there is electro-shock treatment where you can condition her to grow physically ill and fear your abuse anytime she sees a fire hydrant (those things are fucking everywhere!). My personal recommendation, though, is to found a celebrity gossip syndicate that obsesses over her every waking moment. You know, like that E! network.

Option B: Once she becomes famous and forgets all about you (which, by now, I'm thinking is probably justified since you sound like a snoozer) you should leak embarrassing stories from her childhood and adolescence (specifically the ones about her eating disorders and whore-like lust for daddy's approval) to some obsessive celebrity gossip syndicate that has nothing better to do than obsess over her every waking moment thus creating a viscous cycle that makes celebrities seem more important than they really are. You know, like that E! network. When no one likes her anymore because they found out from a reliable source that she spread like butter on toast for her high school principal (he had hairplugs too!), then she'll have no choice but to go back to you, the dear old friend who ruined it all for her. Or she'll birth a couple of neglected rednecks, shave her hair, and beat your head in with a baseball bat. Hmmm. After writing all that out, it really seems like Option A is the winner.

Whichever option you choose, the bottom line of my Bad Advice is: you should never let fame come between you and a friend. That's what drugs, alcohol, and hookers are for.

New Father

I am divorced and have a live-in boyfriend. My 16 year old son has been disrespectful to my boyfriend. He hasn't spoken to him in a month and a half. Now they got into a physical altercation when my boyfriend tried to stop him from turning on the air conditionerl What do I do?

Well, here's some Bad Advice:

Think of things from your son's perspective. He's still young, his mommy and daddy are divorced, and now there's this new man in his life (your boyfriend) who is trying to replace his real daddy. Your son is obviously trying to provoke your boyfriend in order to challenge his authority. Your little boy is growing up and he doesn't want a new father-figure in his life.

In other words, he's being a little bitch and should be put in his place. Your boyfriend is right for stopping him from turning on the air conditioner. Those things make the electric bill go way the fuck up. Just open a damn window, you whiny little shit. And he's probably doing the silent treatment thing to try and make things as unbearably awkward for your boyfriend is possible. Your son probably thinks that if your boyfriend can't stand to live with him, then you both will break up and there might be a chance that you get back together with your husband.

Getting divorced and starting over is hard enough without some stupid brat trying to cock-block you. This is a key time in you and your son's life when you need to show him that getting your vajajay pounded is more important to you than making him feel like a normal kid. He's 16, after all. He shouldn't be depending on mommy and daddy for emotional support anymore, which he can replace with underage drinking and exploitative sex with his peers.

Here's the bottom line of my advice: let your boyfriend and your son get into another physical altercation, and make sure that your boyfriend doesn't hold back. And while your little baby boy is getting the snot kicked out of him, be sure to watch and eat popcorn. And then when he's left lying on the floor, bleeding and dazed from multiple concussions, have sex with your boyfriend right there in front of your son. I think things will work themselves out from there.