Last Thursday September 2009

The following are selections from Bad Advice I gave at September's Last Thursday event:

"My back hurts."

Turn around, I'm going to kick you in the spine. (AND HE LET ME!)

"I have a co-worker who thinks everyone is against her because she's black, but she never shows up on time and is a bad employee. Should I recommend that she be fired?"

No. Actually start conspiring against her with your co-workers. Leave "secret" notes that badmouth her for her to find around her workspace. Email her fake memos telling her the workday has shifted by five hours. Photoshop her into incriminating photos and make speech bubbles that show her saying slanderous things. Email these photos around the office. When she says "THAT'S NOT ME, I NEVER SAID THAT!" be like, "But I can see you saying it right there!" Drive her crazy as such until she quits or sues.

"My girlfriend is really nice."

Ask her to do elaborate errands for you that take up her entire evening, and while she does that go out partying with other friends and random strangers. Be sure to send her text messages and photos of you having a good time and making out with other people. Stress the fact that you're having so much fun, but still thank her for taking care of that errand for you.

"My roommate pissed on my wall. What should I do to him?"

Puke on his wall. (Then to his roommate standing right there) And then shit on his wall.

"I broke my modem, but I don't want to pay to fix it."

Call up your provider, tell them its not working. When a service repair person shows up, make it look okay, but when he touches it it will break. Then yell at him for breaking your modem, though it will be obvious you were setting him up. It will be reported, they will stop your service, and have a collection agency come after you.

"What should I do tonight?"

Down the street there's a corner store with lots of cheap malt liquor. Drink at least two gallons of the stuff. Your digestive system will be wrecked, and you will do horrible things to people you love but not remember it the next day.

"Should I date the guy I like?"

Yes. Then cheat on him with his best friend.

"Should I move to this city?"

Yes. But move into a house with a bunch of sketchy strangers who always have large amounts of cash, pay rent with money orders, sleep during the day, smoke in the house, borrow all your stuff, leave the bathtub filled with blood, always have visiting "friends" who don't talk very much, and vote.

"What should I invest in?"

Worldcom. Enron. Washington Mutual. Bank of America. Open bank accounts everywhere. Take out at least five credit cards, then give the credit card numbers away on the internet. Don't pay the bills, and shred the cards. When the collection agency calls you, put the phone up to your butt and fart. Mail them fake checks you made out of construction paper.

And the best one of them all....

"I just graduated from Bible college and want to break up with my girlfriend."

Tell her your real girlfriend is having a baby tomorrow, and you don't want her showing up to the hospital. And that all her insecurities are justified. Then hang up. When she calls you back, tell her you're in Rio De Janeiro surrounded by naked Brazilian women, and hang up again. Then stop taking her calls. Then, find a friend or relative with a newborn baby. Take the baby to her house and introduce her to your "child." Tell her you hope there's no hard feelings. (AND THEN HE DID IT! HE CALLED HER RIGHT THERE AND SAID ALL THAT STUFF! WHAT AN ASSHOLE!).